I have been a walking talking professing so called Christian since 1978. Wouldn't it seem that I would have learned something about our Lord and His grace, His love, His endurance in relationship. No, not I. I persist in believing that I have rights and deserve. I continue in the thought that I am special and hold special position. Even to the point that when I drive or walk in a crowd the thought I have is, "Don't you people know who I am. Get out of my way." Move aside, don't pull out in front of me. Get out of the middle of the aisle, you're blocking my way.
How long does it take for a person as stubborn and self reliant as I to come to the realization that only by the grace of God do I even exist. Rights, what rights. I should be privileged to be a member of God's family. There are times I look back on my actions and think, "I bet God is really proud of me right now." Is that arrogance or what. I am very fortunate that our Lord even glanced my way let alone the fact that He invited me into his family
A few eeks ago I even had the gaul to complain about a minister of the Lord. This is one of the chosen of God and I think I have the right to criticize or make judgement on his calling. I do feel ashamed but not to the extent that I should. I don't even go to church any more. I think that I can maintain a good relationship with my Heavenly Father and not obey His desires for me. Now that is arrogance.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Black is black but white is always gray
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:4-9
How quickly I forget. My last blog was so low and bleak. If I had been walking on a sidewalk I would have needed a ladder to climb down and up through the cracks.
My wife is better. Still hurting, still struggling but up and moving. Not in bed 24/7. We went to Ohio last Sunday. We spent the afternoon in a large flea market called Traders World. For us this is like Disney World. All the items and people. New things, old things some cheap and others expensive. Still we had a great day. Two hour drive each way. Normally this kind of activity would put the wife in bed for at least three days. Not so. She went with me car shopping on Monday and did house work on Tuesday. Praise God!!! This is a big improvement. I am doing much better now that she is not suffering so. The weather is supposed to be wonderful for the next two weeks and then turn cold. I am not looking forward to that cold and it's effect on my wife.
Isn't it funny when things are bad I expect the worse to continue on a downward slide till obliteration. When things are good I enjoy them, but with the idea that this will not last long. I am well aware that nothing last forever but I always thought I was a glass half full as opposed to half empty kind a guy. Maybe not. When things are bleak its seems extremely so, and with promise to only get worse. I find myself preparing for the most negative outcome. Also it seems easy to feel sorry for myself and the situation I find myself mired in.
Keep these commandments on your heart tell them to your children share them keep them in every part of your life.
If I could remember all the blessings, all the miracles, all the good things that I have experienced because of my Savior things should not ever seem bleak. But alas poor Jim he never was able to rise above or can I?
I would like to pray at this time for God to help me change but as I am 58 years old and change comes hard now. I fear it would be dishonest to pray such a thing without more study and a determination to commit. Both of which I seems to be lacking the desire to attempt at this point in life.
I really love the song "Just as I am" but wonder if God really does.
How quickly I forget. My last blog was so low and bleak. If I had been walking on a sidewalk I would have needed a ladder to climb down and up through the cracks.
My wife is better. Still hurting, still struggling but up and moving. Not in bed 24/7. We went to Ohio last Sunday. We spent the afternoon in a large flea market called Traders World. For us this is like Disney World. All the items and people. New things, old things some cheap and others expensive. Still we had a great day. Two hour drive each way. Normally this kind of activity would put the wife in bed for at least three days. Not so. She went with me car shopping on Monday and did house work on Tuesday. Praise God!!! This is a big improvement. I am doing much better now that she is not suffering so. The weather is supposed to be wonderful for the next two weeks and then turn cold. I am not looking forward to that cold and it's effect on my wife.
Isn't it funny when things are bad I expect the worse to continue on a downward slide till obliteration. When things are good I enjoy them, but with the idea that this will not last long. I am well aware that nothing last forever but I always thought I was a glass half full as opposed to half empty kind a guy. Maybe not. When things are bleak its seems extremely so, and with promise to only get worse. I find myself preparing for the most negative outcome. Also it seems easy to feel sorry for myself and the situation I find myself mired in.
Keep these commandments on your heart tell them to your children share them keep them in every part of your life.
If I could remember all the blessings, all the miracles, all the good things that I have experienced because of my Savior things should not ever seem bleak. But alas poor Jim he never was able to rise above or can I?
I would like to pray at this time for God to help me change but as I am 58 years old and change comes hard now. I fear it would be dishonest to pray such a thing without more study and a determination to commit. Both of which I seems to be lacking the desire to attempt at this point in life.
I really love the song "Just as I am" but wonder if God really does.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What does it take
I sit here and my wife is loosing her battle. Don't know if the end is near or not. When she gets so weak she can't walk and does not want to eat. When she has no desire to go to the doctor. When she sleeps or lays in the dark all day and night. I feel she has little time left on this side of the grass.
Over the years we have been very active in a number of churches. Now of course we are not. It seems now in this time we would have people around us. I would think that some would care to lend empathy or sympathy or even a hand once in a while.
It must be our fault. No one is here. We are alone. I even asked my pastor to call my wife before or around Christmas. No call. Makes me wonder.
It seems it is easy to use someone as long a health and desire are strong but let it wane and you are non-existent.
I fear I am as guilty as any other. I used to be a deacon. It was easy for me to rationalize not visiting someone, or not calling them. Now we are on the other side.
I wait for my wife to get better or pass and then find a group or church where I can be about serving my God. For now I am serving Him by caring for my wife. Even though it would be nice not to feel so alone.
Over the years we have been very active in a number of churches. Now of course we are not. It seems now in this time we would have people around us. I would think that some would care to lend empathy or sympathy or even a hand once in a while.
It must be our fault. No one is here. We are alone. I even asked my pastor to call my wife before or around Christmas. No call. Makes me wonder.
It seems it is easy to use someone as long a health and desire are strong but let it wane and you are non-existent.
I fear I am as guilty as any other. I used to be a deacon. It was easy for me to rationalize not visiting someone, or not calling them. Now we are on the other side.
I wait for my wife to get better or pass and then find a group or church where I can be about serving my God. For now I am serving Him by caring for my wife. Even though it would be nice not to feel so alone.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Jan 2, 2011
Ps. 90:12 Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Number my days?
I don't want to number my days. I fear the answer I may come upon.
In my younger days, when I was smart and either knew all the answers, or went on short walks and talked with God and He gave me the answers, I wanted to know so much. I studied and listened and worked and toiled for the goal to know.
Now I find that to know is to know that I don't know. Whatever that means, I don't know. It's not that I am confused, bewildered, or even lost to knowledge. It's just that to know is not all I expected and more than that to know is to know that I don't know at all.
Who am I that I should know? I am not God. I do not have infinite knowledge. Wisdom of the ages is lost on a sot as I.
Do you know how many times I have attempted to quit sinning? I have tried with great effort on many occasions to trudge through a whole day with out committing a single sin. It never happened and if it did I would only find at the end of the day that pride would be my downfall. Thus the end would be in failure and my goal would not be achieved again.
As Paul said what a wretched man I am. Paul was able to find solace and comfort in the grace. The saving grace. I find little comfort in this grace for why would a perfect and loving God wish to endure eternity with one such as I. Do I love my God, most assuredly. Does He love me? All indications are that He does.
Again I ask why. Why?
My New Years resolution is to tear down, cast away and abandon those barriers that are between me and my Loving Savior. There I am with goals again.
Maybe my New Years resolution should be to seek. To seek the goals of the One whom I wish so much to please and love.
Number my days. No I think I will concentrate on this day. To love and care and strive in the grace and comfort of a loving Savior. For comfort is most fleeting.
Lead me Oh God this day and help me to find my solace in You.
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Number my days?
I don't want to number my days. I fear the answer I may come upon.
In my younger days, when I was smart and either knew all the answers, or went on short walks and talked with God and He gave me the answers, I wanted to know so much. I studied and listened and worked and toiled for the goal to know.
Now I find that to know is to know that I don't know. Whatever that means, I don't know. It's not that I am confused, bewildered, or even lost to knowledge. It's just that to know is not all I expected and more than that to know is to know that I don't know at all.
Who am I that I should know? I am not God. I do not have infinite knowledge. Wisdom of the ages is lost on a sot as I.
Do you know how many times I have attempted to quit sinning? I have tried with great effort on many occasions to trudge through a whole day with out committing a single sin. It never happened and if it did I would only find at the end of the day that pride would be my downfall. Thus the end would be in failure and my goal would not be achieved again.
As Paul said what a wretched man I am. Paul was able to find solace and comfort in the grace. The saving grace. I find little comfort in this grace for why would a perfect and loving God wish to endure eternity with one such as I. Do I love my God, most assuredly. Does He love me? All indications are that He does.
Again I ask why. Why?
My New Years resolution is to tear down, cast away and abandon those barriers that are between me and my Loving Savior. There I am with goals again.
Maybe my New Years resolution should be to seek. To seek the goals of the One whom I wish so much to please and love.
Number my days. No I think I will concentrate on this day. To love and care and strive in the grace and comfort of a loving Savior. For comfort is most fleeting.
Lead me Oh God this day and help me to find my solace in You.
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