What is it.

It is five days before Christmas.  I have always enjoyed Christmas time more that any other time of the year.  This year seems anti-climactic.  The season does not stir my soul as in years past.  The grandchildren are still excited, the old shows such as "A Christmas Carol", "Miracle on 34th Street" are still the same and bring a tear to my eye.  Buying presents to please and excite others is still good.  Still something seems to be missing this year and I am not quite sure what it is.
I thought I was unhappy with my wife till I realized I was just putting the blame on her and she did not deserve it.  Trying to understand what I feel is most difficult.  Without knowing what, I can't possibly find a solution. 
Have you ever seen one of those English mazes made out of hedges.  I feel like I am in one of them and can't find the way out.  As a matter of fact every lane seems just like the other.  No difference. just walls and walls of green.
I feel sorry for my wife who has to live with me and put up with whatever it is that is going on with me.  She buys into my moods and internalizes them.  Believe me she doesn't need any of my baggage, her family has dealt her enough heart ache.
Remember the song count your blessings.  It says to name them one by one with the idea you will not be so down afterwards.  Oh that it would only be that easy.  Life is not simple, nor is it easy.  I could have been born into a third world country and not survived childhood or struggled just for an existence.  No I have had a good life so far.  One wife of 37 years, four kids of which two are speaking to me, ten grand kids, four of which I see regularly and one who is already with the Lord, and one great grandson.
Maybe I am just too lazy or spoiled to do what needs to be done to pull me out of this funk, or depression. 
Just trying to identify it seems too much for me.

Go figure, I can't

Why do I have a heart.  It just messes me up.  I want to be angry, so very angry and all I can be is sad and broken hearted. 
I sit and figure what to do, how to do it.  I have a plethera of ideas.  But they mean nothing.
They mean nothing because my heart is breaking.  My soul is mourning.  I want to be angry but I can't.
What to do, oh what to do?  Where do I go from here?
In my strength I know exactly what to do.  If strength wins all will be lost, my soul will be broken, my heart shattered.  What to do, oh what shall I do?
Is there an answer most assuredly?   Do I know the answer most assuredly not?
I know what not to do, but that is what strength tells me to do.
Be gone strength for I can not be ruled by you.
Soul oh my soul gather whatever it is that heart may win.
If victory is not found in love then no victory can be found.
This calls for me to wade into the battle leading with heart and leaving strength behind.
How can victory be found, oh not victory should I be seeking.
I think I see a light.  Not much just a glimmer.  For it is not victory I seek.
But I know not the words for what I do seek, for what is sought is felt not spoken.
How then can I achieve it then.  Can I grasp the wind.  Can I capture the suns warmth?
Can I hold the security of one candle burning in the night.