It is five days before Christmas. I have always enjoyed Christmas time more that any other time of the year. This year seems anti-climactic. The season does not stir my soul as in years past. The grandchildren are still excited, the old shows such as "A Christmas Carol", "Miracle on 34th Street" are still the same and bring a tear to my eye. Buying presents to please and excite others is still good. Still something seems to be missing this year and I am not quite sure what it is.
I thought I was unhappy with my wife till I realized I was just putting the blame on her and she did not deserve it. Trying to understand what I feel is most difficult. Without knowing what, I can't possibly find a solution.
Have you ever seen one of those English mazes made out of hedges. I feel like I am in one of them and can't find the way out. As a matter of fact every lane seems just like the other. No difference. just walls and walls of green.
I feel sorry for my wife who has to live with me and put up with whatever it is that is going on with me. She buys into my moods and internalizes them. Believe me she doesn't need any of my baggage, her family has dealt her enough heart ache.
Remember the song count your blessings. It says to name them one by one with the idea you will not be so down afterwards. Oh that it would only be that easy. Life is not simple, nor is it easy. I could have been born into a third world country and not survived childhood or struggled just for an existence. No I have had a good life so far. One wife of 37 years, four kids of which two are speaking to me, ten grand kids, four of which I see regularly and one who is already with the Lord, and one great grandson.
Maybe I am just too lazy or spoiled to do what needs to be done to pull me out of this funk, or depression.
Just trying to identify it seems too much for me.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Go figure, I can't
Why do I have a heart. It just messes me up. I want to be angry, so very angry and all I can be is sad and broken hearted.
I sit and figure what to do, how to do it. I have a plethera of ideas. But they mean nothing.
They mean nothing because my heart is breaking. My soul is mourning. I want to be angry but I can't.
What to do, oh what to do? Where do I go from here?
In my strength I know exactly what to do. If strength wins all will be lost, my soul will be broken, my heart shattered. What to do, oh what shall I do?
Is there an answer most assuredly? Do I know the answer most assuredly not?
I know what not to do, but that is what strength tells me to do.
Be gone strength for I can not be ruled by you.
Soul oh my soul gather whatever it is that heart may win.
If victory is not found in love then no victory can be found.
This calls for me to wade into the battle leading with heart and leaving strength behind.
How can victory be found, oh not victory should I be seeking.
I think I see a light. Not much just a glimmer. For it is not victory I seek.
But I know not the words for what I do seek, for what is sought is felt not spoken.
How then can I achieve it then. Can I grasp the wind. Can I capture the suns warmth?
Can I hold the security of one candle burning in the night.
I sit and figure what to do, how to do it. I have a plethera of ideas. But they mean nothing.
They mean nothing because my heart is breaking. My soul is mourning. I want to be angry but I can't.
What to do, oh what to do? Where do I go from here?
In my strength I know exactly what to do. If strength wins all will be lost, my soul will be broken, my heart shattered. What to do, oh what shall I do?
Is there an answer most assuredly? Do I know the answer most assuredly not?
I know what not to do, but that is what strength tells me to do.
Be gone strength for I can not be ruled by you.
Soul oh my soul gather whatever it is that heart may win.
If victory is not found in love then no victory can be found.
This calls for me to wade into the battle leading with heart and leaving strength behind.
How can victory be found, oh not victory should I be seeking.
I think I see a light. Not much just a glimmer. For it is not victory I seek.
But I know not the words for what I do seek, for what is sought is felt not spoken.
How then can I achieve it then. Can I grasp the wind. Can I capture the suns warmth?
Can I hold the security of one candle burning in the night.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Age changes attitude
I went into the store today and a young man was talking about the secret to being a good parent, and how to have your kids turn out well.
He stated that you need to be hard on them. You are not their friend, you need to be hard. Then he asked me what I think.
I said when I was his age I thought I knew all the answers but now at 57 I find I am not nearly so sure about my opinion and I know that all I have is an opinion. Opinions are not rules, laws or written in stone.
The only thing I know about raising kids is that everyting has consequences. Some times as parents is is our job to protect our children from the bad consequences, but not always.
But it is our job to always show them our love, acceptance and appreciation, just like our Heavenly Father does us.
Life and especially parenting is hard enough without boxing ourselves into our own ideals.
Don't you think.
He stated that you need to be hard on them. You are not their friend, you need to be hard. Then he asked me what I think.
I said when I was his age I thought I knew all the answers but now at 57 I find I am not nearly so sure about my opinion and I know that all I have is an opinion. Opinions are not rules, laws or written in stone.
The only thing I know about raising kids is that everyting has consequences. Some times as parents is is our job to protect our children from the bad consequences, but not always.
But it is our job to always show them our love, acceptance and appreciation, just like our Heavenly Father does us.
Life and especially parenting is hard enough without boxing ourselves into our own ideals.
Don't you think.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
What a country
Last week we had the primary elections here in Indiana. The whole of the campaign on each side was how evil the other side is. Democrat, Republican, conservative, liberal, progressive, everybody has an opinion. That opinion is the same for all. 'The oponent is evil or bad or extreme or at least doesn't care about you and your family, but I do". Hardly any discussion was heard about the actual issues.
When did we become a people that would rather bash someone than solve problems. Isn't that what this country is all about. All of us elbow to elbow pitching in to find a solution and implement it. Not anymore my friend. Now it is don't talk to me, it might mean we disagree and I don't know how to debate what I believe, I just know you are wrong.
We have oil spewing out into the gulf of Mexico and the president is preparing the way for off shore drilling. How is this any different from when Bush was in office?
This morning the local basket ball team is submitting a black mail notice that if we don't pay $15 million a year on the new stadium they are going to leave the city. Excuse me wasn't this the same thing that was said if we didn't build the stadium in the first place? Another thing, why didn't we hear about this last week before the election?
Can you say colusion?
Fifteen million dollars is exactly how much the Fort Wayne School Corporation is short. They have notified over three hundred teachers they are being laid off. What a coincidence.
The city is saying we will loose millions of dollars according to a study if we loose the Pacers. What they doln't say is who commissioned the study, or what exactly were the questions asked and who was asked.
Every study I have seen states that we earn approximately the same amount of money as we spend in order to have a sports team. So where is the benefit except in the minds of those who want the cities appearance to be this or that.
When did we become a people that would rather bash someone than solve problems. Isn't that what this country is all about. All of us elbow to elbow pitching in to find a solution and implement it. Not anymore my friend. Now it is don't talk to me, it might mean we disagree and I don't know how to debate what I believe, I just know you are wrong.
We have oil spewing out into the gulf of Mexico and the president is preparing the way for off shore drilling. How is this any different from when Bush was in office?
This morning the local basket ball team is submitting a black mail notice that if we don't pay $15 million a year on the new stadium they are going to leave the city. Excuse me wasn't this the same thing that was said if we didn't build the stadium in the first place? Another thing, why didn't we hear about this last week before the election?
Can you say colusion?
Fifteen million dollars is exactly how much the Fort Wayne School Corporation is short. They have notified over three hundred teachers they are being laid off. What a coincidence.
The city is saying we will loose millions of dollars according to a study if we loose the Pacers. What they doln't say is who commissioned the study, or what exactly were the questions asked and who was asked.
Every study I have seen states that we earn approximately the same amount of money as we spend in order to have a sports team. So where is the benefit except in the minds of those who want the cities appearance to be this or that.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Depression
In 1 Samuel Hannah is clearly suffering depression as she waits for the Lord to finally give her a son. The 2nd chapter shows the depression lifting and is a praise of God.
I am searching to find relief from the depression that has taken hold of me. I have began counseling and talk often of my mental state.
Yesterday was a rough morning. I received at least ten phone calls pertaining to my mom being in a nursing home. I was on the phone with my mom, the nursing home, the State of Indiana, Medicaid and the provider of her pension.
Last week I rode in a car with a friend who was telling me of his health problems and that his life expectency is six months or less. I spent the time listening to him and praying that God would give me words to share with him. We have talked of God and relationships with Him on many occasions, but Mike has never found the need to abandon his way of life to step into the joy of life in God. Anyway the whole time we were together I never received words to share. This is the first time I have been with someone in this situation that I have had nothing from our Lord to share. My friends say this is normal but for me this is never normal. I always have words to share. Even with my Dad who died five months ago I was able to sit with him and talk extensively about the Lord and my dad's relationship with Him. My mom also in December when we were sure she would die I talked with her, but with my friend Mike nothing.
I am not saying that I am not hearing from God. Even yesterday when I was on the phone with all these people one of them reminded me that I prayed with her for a headache a month ago. She told me that God had healed her headache before she returned to her desk that day when we prayed. Then she asked that I pray for her heart, which I agreeed to and informed her I would call her in a month to see how her heart has been healed.
Anyway this is a blog and my thoughts are wandering all over the place. The depression is less than it was.
Lord, I pray that You would lift the depression from me and that the joy of the work You do through me would excite and suprise me again. I pray for Jan's heart, my wife's health, my mom's mental outlook in the nursing home, my stepmom's grief over my dad's death. I lift up my friend Ron, Mike, Ronny, John and my counselor Tony to You. I pray for my kids salvation and my grandkids and greatgrand daughter.
Help me to see the opportunity to serve You today and to be bold enough to do that service. God bless You my friend and Saviour, my Lord and my God.
Amen
I am searching to find relief from the depression that has taken hold of me. I have began counseling and talk often of my mental state.
Yesterday was a rough morning. I received at least ten phone calls pertaining to my mom being in a nursing home. I was on the phone with my mom, the nursing home, the State of Indiana, Medicaid and the provider of her pension.
Last week I rode in a car with a friend who was telling me of his health problems and that his life expectency is six months or less. I spent the time listening to him and praying that God would give me words to share with him. We have talked of God and relationships with Him on many occasions, but Mike has never found the need to abandon his way of life to step into the joy of life in God. Anyway the whole time we were together I never received words to share. This is the first time I have been with someone in this situation that I have had nothing from our Lord to share. My friends say this is normal but for me this is never normal. I always have words to share. Even with my Dad who died five months ago I was able to sit with him and talk extensively about the Lord and my dad's relationship with Him. My mom also in December when we were sure she would die I talked with her, but with my friend Mike nothing.
I am not saying that I am not hearing from God. Even yesterday when I was on the phone with all these people one of them reminded me that I prayed with her for a headache a month ago. She told me that God had healed her headache before she returned to her desk that day when we prayed. Then she asked that I pray for her heart, which I agreeed to and informed her I would call her in a month to see how her heart has been healed.
Anyway this is a blog and my thoughts are wandering all over the place. The depression is less than it was.
Lord, I pray that You would lift the depression from me and that the joy of the work You do through me would excite and suprise me again. I pray for Jan's heart, my wife's health, my mom's mental outlook in the nursing home, my stepmom's grief over my dad's death. I lift up my friend Ron, Mike, Ronny, John and my counselor Tony to You. I pray for my kids salvation and my grandkids and greatgrand daughter.
Help me to see the opportunity to serve You today and to be bold enough to do that service. God bless You my friend and Saviour, my Lord and my God.
Amen
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