How long does it take

I have been a walking talking professing so called Christian since 1978.  Wouldn't it seem that I would have learned something about our Lord and His grace, His love, His endurance in relationship.  No, not I.  I persist in believing that I have rights and deserve.  I continue in the thought that I am special and hold special position.  Even to the point that when I drive or walk in a crowd the thought I have is, "Don't you people know who I am.  Get out of my way."  Move aside, don't pull out in front of me.  Get out of the middle of the aisle, you're blocking my way.
How long does it take for a person as stubborn and self reliant as I to come to the realization that only by the grace of God do I even exist.  Rights, what rights.  I should be privileged to be a member of God's family.  There are times I look back on my actions and think, "I bet God is really proud of me right now."  Is that arrogance or what.  I am very fortunate that our Lord even glanced my way let alone the fact that He invited me into his family
A few eeks ago I even had the gaul to complain about a minister of the Lord.  This is one of the chosen of God and I think I have the right to criticize or make judgement on his calling.  I do feel ashamed but not to the extent that I should.  I don't even go to church any more.  I think that I can maintain a good relationship with my Heavenly Father and not obey His desires for me.  Now that is arrogance.

Black is black but white is always gray

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.   Deuteronomy 6:4-9

How quickly I forget.  My last blog was so low and bleak.  If I had been walking on a sidewalk I would have needed a ladder to climb down and up through the cracks.
My wife is better.  Still hurting, still struggling but up and moving.  Not in bed 24/7.  We went to Ohio last Sunday.  We spent the afternoon in a large flea market called Traders World.  For us this is like Disney World.  All the items and people.  New things, old things some cheap and others expensive.  Still we had a great day.  Two hour drive each way.  Normally this kind of activity would put the wife in bed for at least three days.  Not so.  She went with me car shopping on Monday and did house work on Tuesday.  Praise God!!!  This is a big improvement.  I am doing much better now that she is not suffering so.  The weather is supposed to be wonderful for the next two weeks and then turn cold.  I am not looking forward to that cold and it's effect on my wife.
Isn't it funny when things are bad I expect the worse to continue on a downward slide till obliteration.  When things are good I enjoy them, but with the idea that this will not last long.  I am well aware that nothing last forever but I always thought I was a glass half full as opposed to half empty kind a guy.  Maybe not.  When things are bleak its seems extremely so, and with promise to only get worse.  I find myself preparing for the most negative outcome.  Also it seems easy to feel sorry for myself and the situation  I find myself mired in.
Keep these commandments on your heart tell them to your children share them keep them in every part of your life.
If I could remember all the blessings, all the miracles, all the good things that I have experienced because of my Savior things should not ever seem bleak.  But alas poor Jim he never was able to rise above or can I? 
I would like to pray at this time for God to help me change but as I am 58 years old and change comes hard now.  I fear it would be dishonest to pray such a thing without more study and a determination to commit.  Both of which I seems to be lacking the desire to attempt at this point in life.
I really love the song "Just as I am" but wonder if God really does.

What does it take

I sit here and my wife is loosing her battle.  Don't know if the end is near or not.  When she gets so weak she can't walk and does not want to eat.  When she has no desire to go to the doctor.  When she sleeps or lays in the dark all day and night.  I feel she has little time left on this side of the grass.
Over the years we have been very active in a number of churches.  Now of course we are not.  It seems now in this time we would have people around us.  I would think that some would care to lend empathy or sympathy or even a hand once in a while.
It must be our fault.  No one is here.  We are alone.  I even asked my pastor to call my wife before or around Christmas.  No call.  Makes me wonder.
It seems it is easy to use someone as long a health and desire are strong but let it wane and you are non-existent. 
I fear I am as guilty as any other.  I used to be a deacon.  It was easy for me to rationalize not visiting someone, or not calling them. Now we are on the other side. 
I wait for my wife to get better or pass and then find a group or church where I can be about serving my God.  For now I am serving Him by caring for my wife.  Even though it would be nice not to feel so alone.

Jan 2, 2011

Ps. 90:12 Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Number my days? 
I don't want to number my days.  I fear the answer I may come upon.
In my younger days, when I was smart and either knew all the answers, or went on short walks and talked with God and He gave me the answers, I wanted to know so much.  I studied and listened and worked and toiled for the goal to know.
Now I find that to know is to know that I don't know.  Whatever that means, I don't know.  It's not that I am confused, bewildered, or even lost to knowledge.  It's just that to know is not all I expected and more than that to know is to know that I don't know at all.
Who am I that I should know?  I am not God.  I do not have infinite knowledge.  Wisdom of the ages is lost on a sot as I. 
Do you know how many times I have attempted to quit sinning?  I have tried with great effort on many occasions to trudge through a whole day with out committing a single sin.   It never happened and if it did I would only find at the end of the day that pride would be my downfall.  Thus the end would be in failure and my goal would not be achieved again.
As Paul said what a wretched man I am.  Paul was able to find solace and comfort in the grace.  The saving grace.  I find little comfort in this grace for why would a perfect and loving God wish to endure eternity with one such as I.  Do I love my God, most assuredly.  Does He love me?  All indications are that He does. 
Again I ask why.  Why?
My New Years resolution is to tear down, cast away and abandon those barriers that are between me and my Loving Savior.  There I am with goals again.
Maybe my New Years resolution should be to seek.  To seek the goals of the One whom I wish so much to please and love.
Number my days.  No I think I will concentrate on this day.  To love and care and strive in the grace and comfort of a loving Savior.  For comfort is most fleeting.
Lead me Oh God this day and help me to find my solace in You.

What is it.

It is five days before Christmas.  I have always enjoyed Christmas time more that any other time of the year.  This year seems anti-climactic.  The season does not stir my soul as in years past.  The grandchildren are still excited, the old shows such as "A Christmas Carol", "Miracle on 34th Street" are still the same and bring a tear to my eye.  Buying presents to please and excite others is still good.  Still something seems to be missing this year and I am not quite sure what it is.
I thought I was unhappy with my wife till I realized I was just putting the blame on her and she did not deserve it.  Trying to understand what I feel is most difficult.  Without knowing what, I can't possibly find a solution. 
Have you ever seen one of those English mazes made out of hedges.  I feel like I am in one of them and can't find the way out.  As a matter of fact every lane seems just like the other.  No difference. just walls and walls of green.
I feel sorry for my wife who has to live with me and put up with whatever it is that is going on with me.  She buys into my moods and internalizes them.  Believe me she doesn't need any of my baggage, her family has dealt her enough heart ache.
Remember the song count your blessings.  It says to name them one by one with the idea you will not be so down afterwards.  Oh that it would only be that easy.  Life is not simple, nor is it easy.  I could have been born into a third world country and not survived childhood or struggled just for an existence.  No I have had a good life so far.  One wife of 37 years, four kids of which two are speaking to me, ten grand kids, four of which I see regularly and one who is already with the Lord, and one great grandson.
Maybe I am just too lazy or spoiled to do what needs to be done to pull me out of this funk, or depression. 
Just trying to identify it seems too much for me.

Go figure, I can't

Why do I have a heart.  It just messes me up.  I want to be angry, so very angry and all I can be is sad and broken hearted. 
I sit and figure what to do, how to do it.  I have a plethera of ideas.  But they mean nothing.
They mean nothing because my heart is breaking.  My soul is mourning.  I want to be angry but I can't.
What to do, oh what to do?  Where do I go from here?
In my strength I know exactly what to do.  If strength wins all will be lost, my soul will be broken, my heart shattered.  What to do, oh what shall I do?
Is there an answer most assuredly?   Do I know the answer most assuredly not?
I know what not to do, but that is what strength tells me to do.
Be gone strength for I can not be ruled by you.
Soul oh my soul gather whatever it is that heart may win.
If victory is not found in love then no victory can be found.
This calls for me to wade into the battle leading with heart and leaving strength behind.
How can victory be found, oh not victory should I be seeking.
I think I see a light.  Not much just a glimmer.  For it is not victory I seek.
But I know not the words for what I do seek, for what is sought is felt not spoken.
How then can I achieve it then.  Can I grasp the wind.  Can I capture the suns warmth?
Can I hold the security of one candle burning in the night.

Age changes attitude

I went into the store today and a young man was talking about the secret to being a good parent, and how to have your kids turn out well.
He stated that you need to be hard on them.  You are not their friend, you need to be hard.  Then he asked me what I think.
I said when I was his age I thought I knew all the answers but now at 57 I find I am not nearly so sure about my opinion and I know that all I have is an opinion.  Opinions are not rules, laws or written in stone.
The only thing I know about raising kids is that everyting has consequences.  Some times as parents is is our job to protect our children from the bad consequences, but not always.
But it is our job to always show them our love, acceptance and appreciation, just like our Heavenly Father does us.
Life and especially parenting is hard enough without boxing ourselves into our own ideals.
Don't you think.