What does it take

I sit here and my wife is loosing her battle.  Don't know if the end is near or not.  When she gets so weak she can't walk and does not want to eat.  When she has no desire to go to the doctor.  When she sleeps or lays in the dark all day and night.  I feel she has little time left on this side of the grass.
Over the years we have been very active in a number of churches.  Now of course we are not.  It seems now in this time we would have people around us.  I would think that some would care to lend empathy or sympathy or even a hand once in a while.
It must be our fault.  No one is here.  We are alone.  I even asked my pastor to call my wife before or around Christmas.  No call.  Makes me wonder.
It seems it is easy to use someone as long a health and desire are strong but let it wane and you are non-existent. 
I fear I am as guilty as any other.  I used to be a deacon.  It was easy for me to rationalize not visiting someone, or not calling them. Now we are on the other side. 
I wait for my wife to get better or pass and then find a group or church where I can be about serving my God.  For now I am serving Him by caring for my wife.  Even though it would be nice not to feel so alone.

Jan 2, 2011

Ps. 90:12 Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Number my days? 
I don't want to number my days.  I fear the answer I may come upon.
In my younger days, when I was smart and either knew all the answers, or went on short walks and talked with God and He gave me the answers, I wanted to know so much.  I studied and listened and worked and toiled for the goal to know.
Now I find that to know is to know that I don't know.  Whatever that means, I don't know.  It's not that I am confused, bewildered, or even lost to knowledge.  It's just that to know is not all I expected and more than that to know is to know that I don't know at all.
Who am I that I should know?  I am not God.  I do not have infinite knowledge.  Wisdom of the ages is lost on a sot as I. 
Do you know how many times I have attempted to quit sinning?  I have tried with great effort on many occasions to trudge through a whole day with out committing a single sin.   It never happened and if it did I would only find at the end of the day that pride would be my downfall.  Thus the end would be in failure and my goal would not be achieved again.
As Paul said what a wretched man I am.  Paul was able to find solace and comfort in the grace.  The saving grace.  I find little comfort in this grace for why would a perfect and loving God wish to endure eternity with one such as I.  Do I love my God, most assuredly.  Does He love me?  All indications are that He does. 
Again I ask why.  Why?
My New Years resolution is to tear down, cast away and abandon those barriers that are between me and my Loving Savior.  There I am with goals again.
Maybe my New Years resolution should be to seek.  To seek the goals of the One whom I wish so much to please and love.
Number my days.  No I think I will concentrate on this day.  To love and care and strive in the grace and comfort of a loving Savior.  For comfort is most fleeting.
Lead me Oh God this day and help me to find my solace in You.